Pain is a part of life: Learn to deal with it

This blog details how to cope with hardship that is a part of life, and how a psychologist may help. We will challenge the idea that life is about being happy, and share ineffective coping strategies that many people use to cope with conflict and pain.

Happiness is NOT the goal

While we may want to have a fulfilling life, happiness is an emotional state, or a mood. It comes and goes. It is transitory, as is every emotion. Today, many people believe that happiness is life’s goal, and that discomfort, fear, and pain are undesirable. This view has become so prevalent and accepted that it is commonly part of one’s ‘psychological floor’, a foundation from which all aspects of psychological and mental health begin.

When we have this idea as part of our psychological floor, we subconsciously accept that suffering is negative. We accept this as ‘truth’, and we rarely stop to bring this belief to light or challenge our thinking. We desire an ideal life filled with happiness, free from pain and discomfort.

In daily living, this foundational belief shows up when we become increasingly distressed experiencing discomfort, pain, and negative emotional states. When we don’t normalize pain as part of life, we use automatic strategies to cope – for example, avoidance, externalization (blaming others), or internalization (blaming ourselves). We don’t learn to be comfortable with discomfort. We don’t acknowledge that pain is a normal part of being human, but also vital to our growth and development.

Pain Is Not a Sign of Weakness — It’s Part of Being Human

Pain is an inescapable part of life. It's not a flaw in the human experience — it's a fundamental part of it. Psychological pain can come from a variety of sources — trauma, grief, chronic stress, depression, or the challenges of everyday life. It can affect how we think, feel, and function. Left unaddressed, it often builds into something heavier, more isolating. Without awareness, our automatic coping strategies for dealing with pain create isolation.

It’s easy to believe we should “have it all together” or push through without asking for help. Our culture promotes independence and strength, implying that staying silent during a struggle makes you stronger. We have the idea that infallible composure is strength, that the glimpses we see on social media are true representations of someone’s life. This has created a society where we don’t share our pain, and we don’t normalize learning how to deal with discomfort. A society in which we avoid hard conversations and believe that conflict creates disconnection. It is no wonder that loneliness and isolation are considered an epidemic, a major public health concern.

Acknowledging pain is an act of bravery. It takes courage to say: “This hurts. I need support.” Looking in the mirror, acknowledging your pain and struggle to someone can feel incredibly vulnerable – but it also holds the potential for healing and connection.  

The Power of Psychological Support

One of the most meaningful choices we can make is to reach out for help —psychologists play a vital role in guiding us through pain toward healing and resilience.

Psychologists offer a safe, non-judgmental space where your experiences are validated, and your feelings can be explored without fear or shame.

Whether through talk therapy (like CBT or psychodynamic therapy), trauma-informed somatic therapy, or mindfulness techniques, psychologists tailor their approach to your needs. They’re not there to tell you what to feel — they’re there to walk beside you as you figure it out.

What Would I Learn in Therapy?

Psychologists don’t promise to erase your pain. Instead, they help you understand it, work through it, identify ineffective behaviors you are using to deal with pain, and help you develop tools to cope with it in healthier ways.

Here is an example:

Mary is experiencing pain from her relationship – when talking with friends or thinking through things on her own, she gets quite upset, falls into negative thoughts about her partner and the relationship. She says and thinks things like “well, if he didn’t say/do/act like that, then I wouldn’t”, or “Can you believe him? I don’t even know what he was thinking, what is wrong with him? He is a jerk”, “I don’t want to deal with this, I am done”, or “I don’t know what to do, I have tried everything to get him to understand me”. After a while, she finds that she is withdrawing from her partner and contemplating leaving the relationship. She no longer shares about her relationship with her friends, she noticed she is checking out more and doesn’t bring issues up because she is tired of complaining all the time.

In therapy, her psychologist can help her identify exactly what is causing her pain, her thoughts and feelings about it, where it stems from, identify behaviors that are keeping her stuck, and help her develop more effective strategies for dealing with the situation.

What are Ineffective Behaviors for Coping with Pain?

There are several ineffective behaviors for coping with pain. We may use these intentionally, or subconsciously, based on our life experience and what has worked to relieve our pain in the past. Most ineffective behaviors fall into five categories: Avoidance, Blaming, Resentful Compliance, Manipulation, or Victim/Poor me behaviors.

Here is a brief list of ineffective behaviors people use to cope:

• Be condescending

• Lie

• Deny

• Blame

• Be judgmental

• Change the subject

• Dismiss

• Get impatient

• Put someone down

• Compete

• Use sarcasm

• Distract

• Belittle

• Attack

• Reject

• Nag

• Sulk

• Pout

• Criticize

• Interrupt

• Diagnose

• Withdraw

• Dominate

• Stonewall

• Interrupt

• Manipulate

• Gaslight

• Make fun

• Get stubborn

• Name calling

• Distract

• Keep secrets

• Escape to work or other activity

• Shame others

• Get quiet

• Yell

• Leave

• Use substances

• Check-out

• Joke about it

• Snap at others

• Collapse

• Numb out

• Not bring issues up

• Be vague

• Act helpless

• Not take responsibility

Many of these ineffective behaviors provide immediate relief, but long-term, avoidance creates more pain. They become a prison, a way of life that is hard on relationships, and our mental and physical health. We may not even know how we are contributing to the situation or how our familiar behaviors are unhelpful to our goals.

Using Mary in the previous example, her coping strategies are blaming, name calling, belittling, avoidance, attacking, not taking responsibility, and checking out. She is in a lot of pain from the disconnection in the relationship and may not realize that her behaviors were also creating more disconnection, or may justify her behaviors because she is hurting.

Seeking help from a therapist to handle pain can help you identify the ineffective behaviors you use to get relief, as well as learn and practice different strategies that foster psychological well-being.

How Psychological Support Helps

1.  Provides Clarity

Talking through your experiences with a trained professional often helps untangle confusion and bring insight to what you’re going through.

2.  Identifies Ineffective Coping Strategies

Therapy supports you learning what isn’t helping – without shaming your behavior or thoughts.

3.  Builds Effective Coping Strategies

Therapy helps you build healthier ways of responding to stress, pain, and emotional triggers — strategies you can carry with you for life.

4.  Offers Emotional Validation

Sometimes, just hearing “what you’re feeling makes sense” can be deeply healing.

5.  Prevents Isolation

Pain often convinces us we’re alone. Psychological support reminds us that we’re not.

6.    Encourages Growth

With support, pain can become the soil where growth takes root — helping you reconnect with your values, your strengths, and your sense of self.

What are Effective Strategies to Deal with Pain?

What works to deal with pain is different for everyone, and your therapist can individually tailor recommendations for your situation and personality. Some of the techniques I use in session to help my clients include:

1.  Nervous System Regulation

Learning about how your body and brain work under stress helps to interrupt the cycle, change your state, and support yourself in times of pain and stress

2.  Emotional Expression and building Emotional Agility

Learning how to identify, name, and accept emotions (as normal, transitory, and part of human experience) helps to move through the experience more smoothly, with less resistance

3.  Effective Communication

Learning how to say what we mean, and lean into vulnerable and difficult conversations helps to create better connections and builds strong relationships

4.  Working on Boundaries

Learning the difference between a demand, request, and a boundary is crucial for setting healthy and appropriate limits for your own behavior, maintain healthy relationships, and protect your emotional and mental well-being

5.  Self-Care non-negotiables

Learning what you need to do to support and take care of yourself is crucial to long term well-being and management of discomfort.

Back to the hypothetical client, Mary:

If she came in for therapy, I would support her in understanding what she was feeling, identify that she yearns for connection to her partner, why it feels so terrible when they are disconnected, and identify any patterns that are repeating from her past. I would help her understand her nervous system, why she reacts the way she does, and how to support herself when the pain feels overwhelming.

We would practice tangible strategies for soothing herself when she is upset. We would also work on how she can express what she thinks and feels to her partner in a relational way, and limit the ineffective strategies she automatically uses. We would do some work on her boundaries, and self-care so she is able to manage stressful situations and the hardships of life. Through this work together, we would be challenging the subconscious (psychological floor) idea that happiness and ease are the goal, and relationships should be easy, without conflict.

Breaking the Stigma: Reaching Out Is Strength

Despite growing awareness, stigma around mental health still lingers. Many people hesitate to seek therapy because they fear judgment or believe their pain “isn’t bad enough.” But therapy isn’t only for crisis — it’s for anyone who wants to better understand themselves, process difficult emotions, and build a more grounded, fulfilling life.

Reaching out to a psychologist doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you're taking responsibility for your well-being. It’s a decision to move toward healing rather than away from it.

Conclusion: Walking Through Pain with Support

Pain is part of life — but suffering in silence or using ineffective coping strategies doesn’t have to be. When we allow ourselves to be seen, to be heard, and to be supported, pain can transform into something meaningful. It can teach us, shape us, and even connect us more deeply with others.

If you're hurting, you don’t have to face it alone. Reaching out to a psychologist will not make the pain disappear overnight — but it can be the first step toward understanding it, and growing through it.